Membership

She just told someone that she knows the Screen Actor's Guild, she was a member for years!

One, you can't just BE a member - you have to belong, it's a union. Second, you don't LEAVE it she would still be a member. Third, she's never acted a day in her life, unless you count acting like a horrible ass. In which case, she'd be the only member of the Horrible Ass Guild (HAG). IDIOT she just says these things to get what she wants and doesn't realize it is useless.

How to Dial a Phone

Today I seem to be having trouble dialing a phone. I must be doing something wrong, boss informs me.

That's her story. My story is that she is a raging idiot. I can dial a phone perfectly well, been doing it for many years now. I can't control what happens at the other end. This morning I called her finance woman but each time it stopped ringing and it sounded like someone picked up, yet no one spoke. So clearly I dialed it wrong. Then she dials and holds down half of the keys for 10 seconds each. THAT is apparently the correct way to dial.

Then later on she had me call some dude about tomorrow night, and I got his voicemail. So I say I will try his other number. Her response is, "You must have dialed the wrong number. You have his home number and his cell number."

"Yes I dialed his number and got his machine. I'm dialing his cell phone as we speak."

WHY doesn't she understand that the world is not sitting around waiting for her calls???

OH and last night I called her, just to be nice, and unluckily my phone froze, which apparently tied up her line for 20 seconds. So when I got through, I apologized for tying up her line and she told me that she was waiting for an URGENT phone call and I can't do that! Meanwhile she doesn't have call waiting and she's always calling people, therefore tying up her own line.

BITCH BITCH BITCH. And this is her in a good mood, with her liking me. I MUST GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He Works for ME!!

This morning started off nicely enough. I have to be careful though she's already starting in on me. She called her country house man, then asked me if I asked him to call today.

No....but he said he would call.

I asked you to tell him to call me!
(No she didn't. And he said he would call.)

Why the hell would I tell this man to call if he was already going to call? And how would I know to tell him to call anyway?

It is just unfair that she gets mad at me for stupid things that never happened and are beyond my control!!!!!!!!

Right Name, Wrong Person

So this morning we got a call from downstairs that Teresa* is here. Well I know that Teresa is the dressmaker, but I didn't know that this woman was coming here today. Wasn't here when she was called, not written in on the boss's schedule. So I panic - now she's going to be mad I woke her up. But I know this woman's time is valuable. So I go tell the boss Teresa is here and we go to get the jackets she wants altered.

Then this woman walks in. Now, I've only met Teresa once so far, but I know that the woman who just walked in is not the woman who took in the boss's pants that one time. However, the boss happens to have multiple people to do the same job so I figure it must be ok.

The boss seems to be confused though. Asks her name. Teresa. You used to work at [swanky retail chain]? Yes. You used to do my clothes? Yes, a long time ago. Oh ok, thank you but no.

Say what now?

She turns to me and tells me I called the wrong Teresa. Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! I cannot be blamed for this one! We call the correct Teresa. I hope. Then the boss yells at the temporary housekeeper that SHE called the wrong Teresa. No she didn't either.

Conclusion? Teresa must have called us. She needs work. Everyone needs work.

More likely conclusion? The boss called her late last night, confused the number, and told her it was urgent that she come by to fix these jackets.....URGENT.


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And wrongly contacted.

What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar?

Unrelated to the title? Well that's what happens when you work for a crazy woman who has no idea how the world works.

I have been having this issue where I accidentally charged a contribution rather than writing a check. In her mind, this means that the money is gone and that no one will know that she made the contribution and there is nothing to show to anyone and it's GONE FOREVER!!!!

So then this morning I come in and there is not only the official letter from the foundation thanking her and giving her the amount that is tax-deductible, there is a personal letter from the head of the foundation thanking her for her support.

So she tells me to call this woman and tell her we're sending "it" (I don't know what "it" is), wants me to copy the bill and show that the charge was made (so clearly the donation has been sent), and send her the letter that was sent thanking us for the donation. She then proceeds to tell me that the letter the head sent is asking to please send us the donation. No where on the letter does it say that. It is purely a thank you letter. When I point this out to her, and read it to her, emphasizing the THANKS at the end of the letter, she takes it from and reads it. She stops at the word "response," using this as proof that they have not yet received anything from her.

Luckily I'm onto her now so I had the phone number handy and called immediately with the name of the woman's assistant. Unfortunately she's not in today, so now we have to call tomorrow, but there is NO NEED to do anything. The foundation knows, the woman knows, the money has been sent, the official letter has arrived, thanks has been given.

SOOOOOOO stupid. And I'm doing all this, and am sitting here without a Klondike Bar. Sad.

Day One: My Life as Prostitute

Ok, the title may be misleading at first, but once I explain I think you might agree that I have stupidly agreed to degrade myself in the name of a decent paycheck.

Let me start by saying that this shall remain completely anonymous, my intent is to vent and to reassure myself that I am competent, that I am a nice person, and my boss is the crazy one. It's been two weeks since I started this crazy new job and I'm starting to think I might be as bad as she tells me I am. Yet I'm still working here. So now who's crazy?

This job is one of those that you can only get through reccomendations and friends and lots of phone calls. I was thrilled to get it, and even more thrilled when I heard the salary. I was so eager to get the job that I said I would be available if she needed me overtime. This was not a lie, but I didn't realize how much she would abuse this. I haven't yet had to stay over, but I'm just waiting for the day when I end up sleeping on a chair outside her room because she's lonely.

I'm getting ahead of myself here. What exactly is it that I do? Hard to say really. I am the personal assistant of a woman who has passed her prime in every sense of the word but is still able to enjoy the finer things in life. Unfortunately, she enjoys nothing. Everything makes her sick, everything makes her ache, everything and everybody should know that she is not a well woman and it is ridiculous that she be put through such hardships.

What I do specifically is keep track of her schedule which is full of doctors's appointments, events, dinners, friends, etc. Also her long long phone list which is printed out because she has no idea how to use a computer. Not one clue. Which is excellent because I am at work right now writing this.

There are a number of other things to do during the day, most of which aren't a secretary's job, yet I am expected to know how to do everything that goes on around here. I should also say that I would love to know everything and be on top of it. I am the type of person who doesn't like making mistakes, but around here it is impossible not to make a "mistake." She will deliebrately tell me and have me write down exactly what to do, I will do it, and then two minutes later she will change her mind and yell at me for doing it wrong. And then out comes the verbal assault that no secretary worth her salt an any organization would last 2 minutes doing what I just did, and I should call so-and-so's secretary to see what SHE sounds like on the phone and why don't I just walk into an office and see how they run things there?

Well for starters, I doubt that any office she would want me modeling my practice after would let me just walk in without an appointment or someone to see. Security would throw me right out on my behind. Second, this isn't an office. She's walking around in a bathrobe all the time and I've already seen way more of her than I will ever need to. So don't talk to me about professionalism. I'm very professional. At least my shirt is buttoned.

To be fair, the job itself is very simple. Call some people, make some plans, write it down. Confirm. Repeat.
Except how it really goes is: She asks me to call, then takes the phone. Or she asks me to call and starts yelling instructions at me while I'm talking to someone. This makes it very hard to hear, it means I can't talk to the person and frankly makes me look very rude. If I ask them to hold for one moment she yells at me because I should just hand her the phone they don't need to know to hold.
Then she usually has a specific name of a person to talk to, so if I'm not talking to that person then I'm wrong, the new person is stupid and probably not even in the US, and no one is acceptable except that one person.
So if I finally get ahold of the right person, I can book tickets, I can get a reservation, etc. And make sure to get a confirmation number. They usually want an e-mail but NO NEVER USE THE E-MAIL.
Then I can hang up and put it on the calendar, which now needs to be re-printed. Four times. Forests are dying but she doesn't care.

I can't really describe this situation and do it justice - I just had to start getting some of this out. It's too ridiculous to really be happening, and she's breaking me down one day at a time.
Some days are really good - and I love to do things right and have her be happy. When she thinks I've done a good job, she tells me, and when she smiles she really looks quite friendly.

It's just she is so unreasonable and if I don't write this down in some sort of covert defiance I will go insane.

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Let Me Sleep

How's this for frustrating?

I called my boss's weekend plans, to confirm with her secretary, and of course I said my boss's name (because no one knows who I am, I am unimportant, as she has pointed out to me). So she wakes up (did I mention she's sleeping? I could have come in late) and asks what I'm doing, which means I have to halt my conversation with her secretary (rude!) and explain. So I say I'm making plans with Sally Smith* for this weekend, and my boss says
"That's not her name, it's Sally Smith*"
That's what I said.
Oh ok I'm sorry.

Then I made sure to confirm what she wanted because all hell would break loose if I told Sally Smith the wrong time. Although I am certain that when she wakes up and I tell her again she will yell at me that I made the wrong plans. WHATEVER.

AND THEN she said not to wake her up for these things. Which I didn't. I hate making phone calls while she is asleep for that very reason. And also if she wanted to talk to them I am in trouble. Can't win.

*Names have been changed to protect the rich and fancy. And also the innocent.